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A Thousand Awful Thoughts

by the nervous girls

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1.
Waiting 04:42
are we careening toward disaster? i can't tell if we are you seem to want to get it faster you seem to want to break my heart your silence is indifference so let's just get this over with because we both know the longer that i let it go the harder it will be to forget how you love me (it feels like waiting) how you love me (it feels like waiting for an end) how you love me (it feels like waiting) how you love me (it feels like waiting to be left) are we headed for disaster? is there any other way? i'm not looking for an answer i just want for you to stay. this is what comes next the peace i find in nothingness in nothingness (just wait until there's nothing left)
2.
Transmission 04:41
carry me up in the soundwaves it's a calculus of our lost days carry me up to the furthest place where our words still ring out to where they radiate this time we won't be lost in transmission this time we won't bend to the distance this time this time carry me up in the frequency love lies in the length not velocity carry me up through the dark find synchronicity in the beat of our hearts this time we won't be lost in transmission this time we won't bend to the distance this time this time everything we've ever said is still out there it's endless endless
3.
i didn’t know you then running through fields choked with weeds all bare feet and skinned knees carried with the current of muddy creeks it’s been a long time since our bodies weren’t a consequence of all the places we have been a million roads led to this end if i write it down i won’t forget about the mercy found in circumstance in your wide eyes and trembling hands if i write it down (i cannot hide it from myself) if i write it down i will feel it forever you didn’t know me then i was always loud but secretive secreting away the things i kept maps and books and skeletons of birds that dropped from flight if given half a chance i might’ve done the same were it not for the promise of something worth the wait if there are strings at the heart of everything weaving and diverging were it true then all the choices i’ve ever made led me right here to you to you
4.
Nights 04:23
i will twist my hair in knots and think a thousand awful thoughts that all compete and accumulate to the worst case with terrifying precision i undermine all my decisions how am i still living this way at my age? will you still love me even when i’m not okay? the nights are long and i’m so often afraid will you still love me even if i cannot change? will you still be here when i’m awake? i’ll lie awake until i can’t take it all these flaws, all my own making all i should have said while scared of a silhouette an outline in a hallway, it never ends a hand on my mouth in the house that i grew up in i still dream of the waiting, the impending violence the i love yous, the i’m sorrys that broke the silence hey now hey now i want to dream it’s over
5.
Surrender 04:44
let me draw this line let me draw a map of the retreat and the attack my body, our battleground your love was a trap let me draw this line lay down your arms i never meant to start this war but some things are worth fighting for surrender, forever surrender to me (there is no forgiveness there is no white flag some things you take you can’t take back) let me draw this out the armistice i don’t want it to to end like this where i can’t remember what you did there is no peace in nothingness let me rain it down your cities bombed i can’t reckon with what i’ve lost but some things you fight at any cost don’t reach for me down below the trenches you stormed long ago your voice rings out so hollow there’s nowhere left for you to go
6.
if all it takes is loving you twice before you're gone to write me a song you've got it all wrong i thought there was more to music than that i thought there was more to you than that put your record on still got it wrong i've got intimacy issues because of you if i had known you were going to run i wouldn't have wasted my time writing you a song still got it wrong i've got intimacy issues because of you
7.
Salt City 05:12
a place like this should be barren not pocked with strip malls and discount stores their hanging signs catch the bitter wind and sway icicles like knives, always lie in wait like us, their grip is so precarious the faintest breeze can come and carry us scatter me like so much dust you can’t go home again if it never was one we are borne of salt and dirt and rust the ravages of opiates a blanket of snow to cover us leave us cold (so cold) to the touch we were kids there until it narrowed us down some claimed by the river that runs through town or in flag draped coffins lowered into the ground others in rec rooms where the shots rang out that girl in a bedroom of a modular house where even concrete block can’t muffle the sound oh, we all know the brother and how she was found you can’t go home again if they cut you out our fathers hiss like machines the breaking bones of our industries how quick to fall to our knees and implode like shuttered factories we implode and turn to dust you can’t go you can’t go home
8.
Echoes 05:51
i knew that place best in the dark from sleepless nights spent at your side yet apart the way the streetlight filtered through the window shades i could trace it with my fingers across your shoulder blades if only i could find a way to reach out if only i could find a way to speak how did we how did we become echoes of ourselves? we built this house before i burned it down and now i’m struck silent, just listening for the sound of words in empty rooms ringing out and out and out and out i turned toward the wall you ask if i ever loved you at all i did until i loved the idea of you more and the narrative we wrote to make it feel like we’re still living was built on a foundation no longer so forgiving if only i could find a way to reach out but i can only find a way to leave this is not what i wanted but now this house is haunted (echoes of the words that i have spoken and all the vows that i have broken) this is not what i wanted

credits

released December 3, 2021

Recorded and mixed by Frank Calcaterra at Atomic Audio Studios
Mastered by WJ Bentley
Cover art by Mina Murrell

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the nervous girls Tampa, Florida

The Nervous Girls were a Tampa-based band with a sound best described as angry post-punk shoegaze.

anne - guitar & vocals
amo - guitar & vocals
amanda - bass & vocals
morgan - drums

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